Silenced

It has been eight long months since I’ve last posted. Eight months. If you’ve read any of my writing, you’ll know I only post when I feel inspired and believe God has something to say through me (with an occasional smattering of fun), which would naturally lead you to believe that I haven’t been inspired for eight months. That is really far from the truth.

Through my writings the last couple years I’ve made very casual mention of a financial storm we were caught in, without going into too much detail, nor letting on to the magnitude of difficulty. There are countless reasons for that, and no one solution. For the last year or so, what I kept thinking couldn’t possibly get worse, did exactly that. So I handled it in my time-tested way ~ I withdrew. If there was ever a visual for what was going on in my head, it would be this:

I was most confounded by knowing what God had to say about our situation, applying the principles of everything we knew to be true, yet seeing no relief in our circumstances month after month after month. I likened my frame of mind to a celebrity years back who spoke regularly about her blissful marriage, and then her husband was caught having an affair. She was bewildered, embarrassed, confused, and eventually rarely ever spoke of her marriage again. Some situations in life shatter and shake everything you thought you once knew.

Recently, though, I felt God tell me ‘you’ve given away your voice.’

I know I did. I really felt like that celebrity whose husband cheated on her. The experiences of the last few years brought me to the very core of everything I believed about God and His goodness and faithfulness. I went to the depths of my soul and landed in the scariest place I’ve ever been spiritually: I needed to know if God is as good as He says He is and had to make sure that I could authentically speak of his goodness from an experiential place.

I’m not sure I can even articulate why I stopped writing and sharing, why I internalized the struggle and felt nobody needed to know. Maybe because I’ve always said I like all things happy and light, and our situation was neither.

A year ago, Mike woke up in the middle of the night feeling the magnitude of the financial pressure and got out of bed to pray. He felt the Lord tell him, ‘this is the way the vast majority of Americans live,’ although in 33 years of marriage, this was a first for us. And while I’m incredibly grateful for the fact that for 30 years we never knew financial struggle, it made this current experience that much more confusing for me.

Last week, we were gifted a life-altering trip to Israel with 17 other members of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Mr. Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots, has a heart for everyone to know and love the Israel he and his late wife were so passionate about. So we were able to go on the trip of a lifetime, in a first-class manner, and pay absolutely nothing for it. The whole time I was there I was so keenly aware of the God of the Bible and so many miracles and mighty moves of His hand that took place on the very soil we tread upon. I know that every member of our party was moved in some way or another, but that week allowed me to see God’s plans through a much wider lens. In essence, I recognized that God will ALWAYS be victorious; that His ways are way different than my ways, but His ways are indeed for our good. That I can now confidently say.

While there, we were able to spend time with a friend, Aeneas Williams, who happens to be a pastor in Ferguson, Missouri. Aeneas is also a friend of our daughter Jill and her husband Oshiomogho, and beautifully performed their wedding ceremony. Over lunch one day, he said he felt a prompting from God about getting our story out. He even used the words, ‘there is an urgency.’ So what God whispered to me a few weeks back about giving away my voice was brought to the forefront of my mind. Then and there I decided I’ll no longer shrink back in fear, because I know this: we were never created to be an island. Whatever God allows us to go through is intended for our good and for the good of others. For all of time, it has been His plan that we reach back and help bring others along who are trudging through the same struggle we just faced. Mike woke up a year ago with a burden for many who are suffering financially for a reason: God wants us to be able to help others through it. At this point, I don’t have the blueprint for how we’re to help, but I know that this is the first step.

I gave God my voice back.

It’s a good kind of scary (insert smiley, sweaty, nauseous, scared emojis of your choice), but I’m no longer bound by fear.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Veronica says:

    Thank you Kim! Always and genuinely inspired and pointed to Jesus after reading your blog! 😉

  2. Robin Singletary says:

    Kim I write this with tears streaming down my face.
    I can so relate to your blog.
    Your message has revealed to me what God had been trying Show me and tell me.
    Kim I really needed to hear this.
    Thank you for being Obedient to God and giving him your Voice back.
    You are truly a Blessing!

  3. JO SINGLETARY says:

    Wow, the struggle is real, but then GOD IS REAL. I believe he keeps his word by not putting more on us than we can bear…….your sharing has given me the confirmation I had been praying for……no more fear no more holding back………thanks Kim.

  4. Mike says:

    Kim

    You have a great voice and I know – as in, I am absolutely certain that God will use your voice to touch others.

    Cheers,
    Mike

  5. pamela hallman says:

    Satan uses fear to loose our focus on god and u r right leave in his hands. The direction and guidance he will give through his spirit to direct u both in the direction you need to go. I will keep you both in prayer so your spirit b quickened. In jesus name. Power in prayer.

  6. Julie Schiefer says:

    Whatever he wants to say through you will be powerful and for his glory. How exciting (even if terrifying)! Thank you for your obedience.

  7. Monica says:

    Kim, this voice should never be silenced!!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and soul with us!!! I have NO DOUBTS that You touch many more lives than you think!! Love and prayers to you girlfriend!!❤️Monica

  8. Rachel says:

    Kim, this is amazing, and SO encouraging — I love your blogs so much!

    I wanted to share a couple things, too. Hope that’s ok! 🙂

    First, you said, “Whatever God allows us to go through is intended for our good and for the good of others. For all of time, it has been His plan that we reach back and help bring others along who are trudging through the same struggle we just faced.” He actually gave me a very similar “picture” at last month’s prayer meeting for Renew (last Friday of May):

    I saw a landscape birds-eye view divided down the middle by fire. Darkness to the left, light and green pasture to the right. I saw people running from left to right through the fire. Some made it through, some didn’t. Of those who made it though, there were some who were lazily enjoying the pasture, and others who had deliberately returned to the fire to pull others through.

    I believe those who are willing are those who are called to return to the fire. *And He always provides every resource we need for every assignment! Thank you, Jesus!*

    Secondly, I resonate with so much of what you’ve expressed, even with financial struggle until this year, and I just completed Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class (which I highly highly recommend). Have you heard of it?

    Sorry that’s a lot — what can I say, you inspired me! Praying for immediate and ongoing encouragement, courage, provision, and boldness for you and Mike. So thankful for you!

  9. Lynn Siewert says:

    This is beautiful, my friend. Powerful, true words. Grateful that you – and Mike – listened to God’s whisper and responded in faith and courage. Your voice is timely and so needed. Please – write on!

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